Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It's Finals Time in Tennessee

Studying Blew
So aren’t you glad I did it for you?

If you are wondering why The Weekend Aristocrat has not posted any posts lately, it’s because The Weekend Aristocrat has finals as well. And since it is always easier for people to give others advice rather than take it themselves, I decided to study for your finals rather than my own. Below are my summations of material for your classes.

Chemistry: If you take chemistry courses, you’re most likely majoring in something that will be very hard but will earn you lots of money in the future. So if the looming exams have got you down, at least know that women like money, so they will tolerate you one day. Surely that cheered you up a bit.
Here is a brief summary from the first chapter of a chemistry book I found: A covalent bond is formed by two atoms who share electrons. An ionic bond is form by one atom giving an electron to another atom. And an ironic bond is formed by a prowling cougar successfully attracting a pedophile as her mate…this ironic bond is strong because the cougar and the pedophile share an attraction to extremely younger people.

Economics:  The law of diminishing returns states that eventually the benefits of adding an input to something will start decreasing over time. So the smart economics student would not spend hours cramming for a smaller and smaller increase the grade of his final. He would buy me a beer instead. Trust me, I’m right.

I know she looks like she is studying, but this is just the side view of a girl on chat roulette.

Chinese: So you must be an anime freak. Well you’re a terrible anime freak, because anime is actually Japanese...Anyways, the best way to learn a foreign language is to completely immerse yourself in that language and its culture. This is easy for Chinese, just ride the elevators in Shelbourne for twenty minutes.

Biology: The tricky part of biology is memorizing the different parts of different cells. Plant cells have a tough outer layer known as the cell wall. Animal cells only have a single outer layer known as the cell membrane. And prison cells have walls surrounded by more walls topped off with barbwire. Plant cells also contain chlorophyll, while prison cells contain inmates watching Dr. Phil.

Pre Law: Pre Law is not actually a major. And if you are dumb enough to think it is, you are probably too dumb to pass the LSAT anyways.

Sing Language Class: Reading a book to yourself will not help you communicate with the deaf. Of course, that should go without saying.

Math: Excuse me miss, would you like to see the exponential growth of my natural log? If you got that, I feel sorry for you. I would use this sentence to make another joke about math, but I feel I should avoid going off on a tangent.

World History: America wins, the end.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Self Discovery

When I Think about Me, I Interview Myself

It has come to The Weekend Aristocrats’s attention that while we have many loyal readers, our fans do not know much about us. After further thought, many of us here realized that we really don’t know much about ourselves either. In an attempt to gain some self-understanding while simultaneously boosting his own ego and filling up blog space, one writer has volunteered to get the scoop on the staff, starting with himself.  In reality, this is because The Weekend Aristocrat only has one writer. Let's just call him Dick. Below is the transcript of when Dick sat down to ask and answer a few questions.

Dick (Interviewer): First of all, thanks for sitting down with myself. I have done everything in my power to make this experience as comfortable for myself as possible. I’m sure you’ll appreciate that.

Dick: I do appreciate it, especially this make-shift recliner and the Colt 45 served in a wine glass. Classy.

Dick (Interviewer): Well let’s just get strait to it, Dick. Besides the fact that you haven’t written in the 1st person in a while, why did you agree to do this interview?

Dick: Well I guess mostly because there are just so many questions I have about myself, but I don’t have any answers. I thought if I could formally sit down with myself, I might learn a thing or two. For instance, let’s suppose there is a really masculine lesbian woman, and a really feminine gay man. If the woman was attracted to the man’s femininity, and visa versa, could they, like, be together? And if they could, would they still be gay or strait? I just have many thoughts like that that I want explained. That, and I was out of blog ideas this week.

This is the international symbol for internal peace and internal safety. Unfortunately, the NFL does not recognize the copyright of the safety signal.

Dick (Interviewer): Hmm…That is a deep thought. I’d want myself to answer that riddle too. You said you were out of blog ideas. Is this a common situation for you?

Dick: Well, sometimes it can be common. It is especially hard to think of something to write about when there is no one or nothing to make fun of.

Dick (Interviewer): So your main motivation for writing then is just to be a dick isn't it? I bet if you had no one to make of you’d have no reason to live would you? Honestly Dick, I think your blog sucks.

Dick: Well, I am my own worst critic so I can see why you’d say that.

Dick (Interviewer): So you’re your own worst critic? Given the size of your ego, I find that quite surprising.

Dick: Sometimes I even surprise myself.

Dick (Interviewer): Have you been guiding the questions and answers of this entire interview just to set up that last joke?

Dick: What do you think?

Dick (Interviewer): (Sigh) Pathetic.

Dick: I know.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Stalking in Memphis

While The Weekend Aristocrat is based in Knoxville, recent public input has called for expanding state coverage. In accordance, we decided to send a reporter to the city of Memphis. Below are his observations. More photos will come as soon as they are available.

This is just a badass pic. This was taken from the roof of the Peabody Hotel. It's a good thing that roof access is not restricted to hotel tenants, cause there is no way we'd ever have the dough to spring for a room at the Peabody. Sure, we are aristocrats, but only on weekends. And this pic was taken on Monday.

The Hernando de Soto bridge is brought to you by McDonald's. ¡me encanta!

This is Sun Studio where Elvis recorded his first record. As you can see, an eclipse is starting to form as a shadow extends from the building's right wall. Our reporter was fortunate enough to visit the studio during one of the few times of year that the eclipse casts a shadow over Moon Studio. Moon Studio is just out of sight, and is exactly 1/4 the size of Earth Studio. 

I know this looks out of focus, but this is actually a high definition picture of what Beale Street looks like through the eyes of someone who is absolutely hammered.

This is either a limo or a hearse for an extremely tall (and stylish) person. I'm betting on the latter. 

The road to salvation...or maybe just the road to Graceland. Same difference right?

This is one of the many signs in Graceland warning visitors not to use flash photography inside the house. In order to document the rules, our reporter turned his flash on while capturing this image. Muy ironĂ­a.

Judging by this arrangement in one of the many gift shops at Graceland, our reporter is guessing Elvis played a lot of liquor pong.

This pic was taken off the back balcony of the University of Memphis Cecil C Humphreys School of Law. Our reporter would like to say he couldn't resist capturing this moment of local life. He would also like to apologize to his mother for any shame she may feel for realizing that this is the stuff her son posts online.

University of Memphis Law School Class of 1914. Ten graduates, ten white guys. Yay for diversity.

The Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium is an amazing venue in which to watch a college football game, especially if you're an opposing fan. We say this because unlike most college stadiums our reporter has visited, you can buy beer here and the away team is more likely to win.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Giving Back

Elementary School Students Spend Time Volunteering
By Teaching Professional Athletes How to Read

In a heartwarming display of generosity, 12 students from an elementary school in Washington D.C. met yesterday with various professional athletes. After some time of just joking around with the athletes, the elementary school students began hours of community service by teaching the athletes how to read.
“I have looked at the pictures from The Little Engine that Could all my life,” said Chad Ocho Cinco, but having someone read it to me, it really made it come alive.”
The students then began working with the athletes individually. By the end of the day, most of the athletes were reading their first complete sentences. No one made more improvement than Vince Young. Young successfully read multiple passages from The Cat in the Hat.
“The feeling was so amazing. I can actually read now,” said Young. “It turns out, the team I play for in Tennessee are called the Titans. I always wondered why everyone said that name so much, but I was never able to read the word before. I guess now I can actually focus on learning to read defenses.”
Other athletes had similar epiphanies. “It turns out I made a mistake when I changed my name,” said Chad Ochocinco. “I thought my name would actually be the numer 85. I just wanted to have a name that I could read. I always wondered why I couldn’t read my new last name.”

I'm the little engine that can! Who dey!

Tiger Woods was also amazed at how much reading can help someone learn. “I actually read my contract for the first time,” said Woods. “Damn, if I had known that my behavior could allow sponsors to pull out of my contract, I woulda pulled outta my hoes a lot sooner ya know what I'm sayin, mane?”
New found knowledge like this also made an impression on Plaxico Burress. “I was never able to read the signs that said no guns in bars,” said Burress. “I mean that, wouldn’t have made a difference, but if I had only know that S-A-F-E-T-Y on my gun spells “safety,” things would have turned out a lot different.”
Michael Phelps admitted that being able to read earlier would’ve made things turn out differently. “I still woulda smoked the hell out of that bong,” said Phelps, “but at least I would’ve been able to read the cue cards when I hosted SNL. Did anyone watch me on there? Seriously, I sucked.”

Students did not limit their philanthropy to athletes. One student took time to teach a newly free Lil Wayne to read. “Finally, I can actually write down my lyrics before I say them,” said Wayne. “But it does suck that most words and phrases I use aren’t in a dictionary. How and I supposed to write out my signature phrase cocksuckinballinefoksnciasudolfen?”
Third grader Alex Simpson said helping athletes to read changed his life. “I feel that they taught me more than I taught them,” said Simpson. “Just kidding,” laughed Simpson. “They couldn’t teach anybody anything…those were some dumbass motherfuckers.”

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Voices of Knoxville

Tuesday, Nov. 2, 2010 was an important day for our state and nation. Tennessee elected Bill Haslam as it's new governor, and college kids everywhere were broken hearted after Prop 19 failed in California. However, since the wide majority of college students didn't vote even if they were registered, The Weekend Aristocrat has decided to give University of Tennessee students in Knoxville a voice anyway. And since Prop 19 is in the news, we decided to ask them about today's most pressing issue: drugs. Below are their opinions.

So, are you into drugs?

"Honestly, no. But I am into fitting in and social acceptance. So in that case, give me some of those drugs!"

"It depends. Does Plan B count? 'Cause that's the only pill I'm addicted to."

"Sure, but only if I don't have to pay."

Silly rabbit, drugs are for kids! - The Weekend Aristocrat

Friday, October 29, 2010

Campus Ghost Stories

There are Ghosts on Campus
Like the One behind You Right Now

There are many scary things about being a student at the University of Tennessee. But I’ll spare you my lecture about asbestos in our buildings. Here are some ghosts stories instead.
One campus ghost is named Fanny. She was a student in the 1920’s, and was an aspiring actress. She was all set to go to Hollywood after playing a small role in a Knoxville film, but she died of tuberculosis before she could make the trip. Being a theater fan, she is said to haunt Cox Auditorium at AMB, and is sometimes seen during rehearsals. Perhaps Fanny is the reason I heard hundreds of girls screaming at AMB two Tuesdays ago. It could’ve also been lipsync, but surely nobody gets excited for something as pointless as lipsync. Or maybe they could’ve been, but I’ll just give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they saw Fanny.
A long time ago, mice infested the old business building. Being the cunning business students that they were, students brought in cats to eat all the mice. However, ghosts of the mice took their revenge by haunting the hallways. So the students killed all the cats so the ghosts of the cats would drive out the ghosts of the mice. It worked, and that’s why the new business building has no ghosts of any kind. I’m just gonna go ahead and assume all mice are gay since they’re afraid of pussies.
Shown here is the Ghost of Christmas Present. It is the only picture of a ghost that does not scare me.

There are apparently several Union soldiers that are buried near Perkins. Supposedly, you can sometimes see them near Perkins looking over maps. However, no Confederate souls are known to have risen. So if anything is rising in Knoxville again, it’s the Union. Sorry KA.
Another ghost that haunts campus is the ghost of Phillip Fulmer’s career. It is reported that this ghost haunts Mike Hamilton’s office daily. The ghost will often whisper is Mike’s ear about that “heckuva job” Mike did on hiring Lane Kiffin. As if that’s not enough, apparently there are some ghosts from Bruce Pearl’s old phone calls that are haunting Mike now too.
The most famous ghost on campus is Sophie of the former women’s residence Sophia Strong Hall. As legend holds, girls can sometimes see the ghost of Sophie in their mirrors brushing her hair. Not only that, but Sophie also appears when roommates used to quarrel or were up to inappropriate activities for young ladies. In other words, the ghost of Sophia Strong is the biggest cock block is the university’s history. Nothing makes men go limp as fast as seeing an old woman in a mirror. Now that’s scary.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The New Business School

The University of Tennessee Announces New Business Curriculum

In order to help students adapt to a changing business climate, the University of Tennessee College of Business Administration has decided to upgrade it’s curriculum to give the students the skills in highest demand. Many new classes have been created. To make room for new classes and avoid oxymoron class titles, all business ethics course have been eliminated.

CBA 281: Principles of Fraud
            This class will prepare students for the challenging but rewarding field of fraud. In the broadest sense, fraud is an intentional deception made for personal gain or to damage another individual. Particular class time will be devoted to the subfield of fraud known as forgery. There will be three tests throughout the semester. To receive credit, students must miss all three tests due to the death of a biological grandmother. Documentation for all of required deaths must be provided for passing grade.

CBA 213: Introduction to Embezzlement
            This class explores the field of embezzlement, the use of entrusted money to an individual by an outside party for purposes other than intended use. Practical experience emphasized by grading students on how much textbook money from parents is spent on alcohol. Class is good for four credit hours towards their business major, but only if students use those hours to fill requirements outside the College of Business Administration.

CBA 317: Insider Trading Techniques
            Insider trading is defined as trading public stock or securities with access to non-public information. The College of Business Administration will offer one Insider Trading lecture each semester with three sections. To receive credit, students must choose a section to enroll in. Students can trade sections with other students, but only one section will receive the credit hours for Insider Trading. This will give students practical experience in getting inside information while simultaneously perpetuating false but believable rumors.

CBA 341 International Business/Tax Evasion
            In conjunction with the international studies program, a study abroad program tailored exclusively to business students will be offered each summer. A six week course in tax evasion will be taught in the Cayman Islands. Curriculum will include setting up new UT AllStar account and tuition payment plans. In addition, students are expected to complete much extra-credit work hours to receive credit for class. Any student who actually completes all extra credit hours will be given a cookie but will also fail the course. Total cost for program will include travel expenses, room and board, and tuition. To make trip more affordable, we suggest waiting until you finish the course on the islands to pay your expenses.

CBA 439: Theory of Money Laundering
            This class will teach business students simple accounting techniques to increase income. Each student will be given a scholarship by the College of Business Administration. However, there will be no money in the account. Students must find their own investors to fill their scholarship accounts with a certain amount of money by the end of the semester. We suggest partnering with local used-car dealerships. To encourage maximum learning and retention, students’ final grades will be indexed against other students. This will encourage students to launder as much money as they can to fill their scholarship accounts. Students who receive A’s will be allowed to keep their accounts open beyond completion of the course.

CBA 499: Principles of Insurance Companies / Ponzi Schemes
            This class is designed for College of Business Administration students with strong interests in starting insurance companies. Strong emphasis will be given to the methods of Charles Ponzi, a business pioneer who developed an investment operation that pays returns to separate investors from their own money or money paid by subsequent investors. Special attention will be paid to the largest Ponzi scheme of all time: Social Security. To receive credit, students must have 500 points in course. No points will be given by instructors, students are expected to loan points from classes of friends to use in BUS 499. This will be easier if friends are gullible. We suggest using freshmen.

CBA 501: Counterfeiting / Capstone Class       
            This is the culmination class of the new business curriculum. In it, students must face a panel of professors who will accuse students of multiple violations of the student code of ethics. In order to be eligible for graduations, students must not be found guilty of any charges. If cleared, students can apply for a College of Business Administration diploma. However, no diplomas will be awarded. It is up to the students to use their business knowledge in conjunction with the counterfeiting class curriculum to provide their own official College of Business diploma by graduation day.

Students who complete this new curriculum will be well prepared for the ever changing business climate. In case students face trouble using these tactics in their career, the University has partnered with the state correctional department to offer an online MBA available at any light to medium-security boarding school for adults.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Education: The World's Oldest Opportunity

Girls Take Night Jobs as Librarians to Pay for Stripper School

As fall semester classes continue across college campuses nationwide, some students are finding less time to study and more time to work. Tragically, many young girls in school are forced to take up jobs that appeal to a small but twisted portion of the population that likes to read. Many female students have taken night jobs as librarians to offset the costs of stripper school tuition.  

Although being a stripper is one of the best occupations in the country as far as job security, getting a good stripping education is becoming increasingly more expensive. And tragically, tailoring to the population that actually still reads is the fastest way for girls to earn money.

Yeah you book me all night long....me so literate.

While taking a job as a librarian is not new, the numbers of applications have risen sharply. One girl, who wished not to be named, had this to say on her new profession, "While obviously being a librarian isn’t my first choice as job, it’s the best way for me to make money. I get paid fairly well…I mean, the only guys that actually come to libraries are really smart and have a lot of money, but they are also losers who’ll give away anything for a pretty girl who shows them where a book is.” 

Other girls also commented on how awkward it is to see a guy around campus that they’ve seen visiting the libraries where they work. “Guys who visit libraries are such creeps,” said another young librarian. “And it sucks how they think we’re friends when they see me on campus. Our relationships stop at the book theft detectors at the library entrance.” 

Another librarian lamented, “There is nothing attractive about a guy throwing books and ‘making it hail’. I swear if the money wasn’t good I would find another way to pay for my pole dancing classes.”

Many girls working at libraries have found it difficult to tell their parents, and many simply say nothing and hope their parents will not find out. 

“I just told my parents that I have an office internship,” remarked one anonymous librarian. “And they even thought that was terrible, so I told them that I was having an affair with my boss. That settled their nerves. At least now they think I’m actually getting real world experience on using my body to get ahead in life.” 

Others have been honest with their parents.  One father had this to say about his daughter, "I told her I didn’t agree with her working at a library. I told her there must be another way. No one should have to satisfy a fetish like reading. It’s despicable. And to anyone out there who is reading my views right now, please help to spread my message that no girl belongs working at a library. After that, you can go to hell for reading this blog article.”

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Writer's Block

At Least my Cock’s Still in the Clear

Writers block is a serious condition that affects everyone who has to write a paper, article, or deposition. Currently, I’m struggling with all three so I thought I’d use my blog this week to share some advice on how to put together a group of words to form complete sentences, and then turn those sentences into paragraphs. 

And a good first tip I’ll show you about paragraphs is to always hit return and tab to start a new one, like this…
Now I have a decent grasp of the language arts, but I wasn’t always that way. I can remember multiple times when I was kicked out of church as a child for the use of bad language. I never cussed, but my Sunday school teacher was an English teacher, and my nouns often didn’t agree with my verbs when I spoke. Even today, I still don’t knows why the hell I used to did that.
The hardest part of writing a paper is coming up with an idea, so this is where bullshitting comes in real handy. College English classes are notorious for their use of bullshit. It’s cool though, most college English teachers won’t care. After all, they’d be hypocrites for calling you out on your B.S. when they clearly have a B.S. job to begin with. Honestly, colleges have English teachers? If people still need help reading and writing by now, they should’ve never have gotten into college in the first place. But then again, I do go to a public school…in Tennessee.
This bears repeating. Again, I'm just thankful that at least my cock is still in the clear.

Now that you got your idea, it’s time to actually get some writing done. This is where things get tricky. Surprisingly, the people who understand how this process works are business majors. Now that you got an idea, just pay someone else to do it for you while you still get the credit. Immigrant laborers will jump at the chance to write your paper. Just a word of advice here, I wouldn’t go to Home Depot to pick up your writers, but there is plenty of extra help on the corners of every Sylvan Learning center nationwide. Pay a foreigner to do it, it’s the American way.
As far as the writing goes, make sure whoever writes your paper throws in a few similes or metaphors. Papers are a game, and sometimes you gotta throw in some fancy plays on words to confuse your competition. Also, use parenthesis when you need to take some space (I know this sounds mundane, but writing sentences in parenthesis is an easy way to up your word count without having to make a point).
So I hope this helps you with your writing. Actually, I don’t really care, I just bullshitted this whole thing.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Lesson of the Day: White and Wrong

White American Culture Reservations Established
And not just at NASCAR Tracks

A group of concerned Americans have successfully set up a reservation for white people to protect their culture from Hispanic settlers. The idea for white people reservations was inspired by the former existence of Native American reservations. In fact, Congress approved the plan to turn all former Native American Reservations into White American Reservations.
“We decided that the best way to implement this plan to protect white culture was to take land of Native Americans to use it,” said the anonymous reservation lobbyist. “And honestly, what’s more white than taking land away from natives?”

Are you going to read this article about white people, or is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

Other white reservations have been established in conjunction with the former Native American reservations. As of now, a two-mile white culture perimeter has been established around every private golf course. However, this ruling has not resulted in anyone being forced to sell their land. This is because no one but white people live within two miles of a private golf course.
Multiple changes have occurred in converted reservations. All casinos have been demolished, and stock exchanges are currently in construction to replace them. “We didn’t want to attract the low-lives who throw their money away on slots and craps,” said white reservation resident Robert Standifer. “So instead we’re building stock markets. Of course people will still throw money away, but at least they’ll wear a suit and tie while they do it. That’s the white people way.” Standifer also stated that former Native American horse stables will be converted into horse racing tracks for the same reason.
The reservations have not been without their problems, however. Drug use and addiction has taken a strong hold on many reservations, and concerned residents are doing whatever they can to curb drug use and fight white stereotypes. Prozac, the drug of choice on white reservations, has swept through both socio-economic levels on the white reservations: upper class, and upper-middle class.
Also, many white mothers are concerned with how the media glamorizes white collar crime to their suburban youth in movies such as “Office Space” and “Paycheck.”
“Honestly I am becoming worried about the future of our white children’s’ work ethics,” lamented one white mother. “I don’t know of a single white kid anymore who is willing to put in the hard work at the bottom of the crime chain before moving on up. They think selling weed on the street is beneath their dignity, but they’re actually missing out on real opportunities.”
In order to combat white stereotypes as well as educate others about white culture, many white reservations have started white culture history museums. One exhibit includes the traditional way of how white people create music. The exhibit shows a white teen plugging his iPod into speakers while others around him shy away from the dance floor due to their lack of rhythm.
“We really feel like these museums show who we are,” added Standifer. “Our favorite part about our museums is the giant walls we put around them to make sure no one but white people can come in except through the gate. And the whitest part about it is, all the museums and walls were built with Mexican labor.”

Friday, October 1, 2010

TVC Wants YOU to Read this Blog Post

UT’s Got Talent
And Most of it Writes for this Blog

This October, the University of Tennessee is going to experience something that it never has before. Unfortunately, it will not be having an adequate number of parking spaces. Actually, TVC (the student television station that no one other than the people who work there know about) is hosting a campus wide talent show. 

It’s called UT’s Got Talent. Now I know what you’re thinking. If UT has talent, then why haven’t we seen it on the football field so far? However, this might actually be the most entertaining show to ever air on TVC. I wouldn’t be surprised if tens of viewers watch the first episode.
The talented Susan Boyle: a lovely voice for television talent shows, and an even lovelier face for radio.

Now here’s how it’s gonna work. Starting October 11, contestants will perform their talents in the TVC studio. Then viewers will vote to determine which contestants will advance after the shows air. There are also three judges, but since only the students’ votes count, I’m not really sure why the judges are there. Nevertheless, I have taken time to create three simple steps to win the competition.

Step one: Pander to the voters. Like I said before, there are judges, but they don’t really matter so efforts to sleep with them are pointless. This makes your job harder. Given the fact that TVC airs on campus channel 64, I suggest pandering to campus residents, which will be mostly freshmen. So if you have a talent that pertains to the dormitory dwellers, your chances of getting votes will be higher. As such, I suggest displaying talents of making bongs out of simple house-hold items each freshman is sure to have in his/her room. Also, not all people who live in dorms are freshmen. So throw in a talent for the upperclassmen R.A.s as well, such as the talent of how to make friends and not suck.

Step two: Intimidate the competition. Life is all about intimidation. Why do you think cops are such ass holes all the time? It’s because they know if they make you afraid, you won’t try to get out of trouble. Unfortunately, this happens all too often. But you can use this same philosophy to your advantage. The key factor is confidence, and to quote George Costanza, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.” Here’s an example of confident intimidation: Honestly, none of you should even bother auditioning for this show because my rendition of The Vagina Monologues will bring a tear to your eye and a kick to your balls. Seriously, it’s that good.

Step three: Show some ass. Do you think that talent is the only actual thing that determines peoples’ success? If that were so, then Sarah Palin would’ve never gotten the VP nomination in 2008. Palin understood that sometimes you just gotta show some ass to get some attention, a lesson which she successfully passed down to her daughter.
P.S. Here's the link to the competition's facebook page. I suggest reading this soon if you plan to enter.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Fairy Dust Hits the Fan

'Prince Charming' Sexually Assaulting Underage Comatose Patients
And Other Splendid Fairy Tales

A man going by the name of Price Charming was arrested last week after kissing an underage girl who was in a coma. After the prince kissed the girl, the girl suddenly woke up and then yelled for help when she saw the older man on top of her. Price Charming soon apologized for his actions.
“Seriously, I did not mean for things to happen like this,” said Prince Charming. “Sure, whenever I see an underage girl sleeping, my first instinct is to always kiss them. But honestly, what man wouldn’t? I really don’t see the big deal. Hey is that a camera? Get that outta here. Nobody wants to see Prince Charming on dateline.”
The girl in question is named Snow White. When Prince Charming heard of Snow White, he became under the impression that she was in a coma after ODing on coke.
Fairy tale weddings often include frogs, ogres and other ugly creatures. Shown here is a pic of your mom when she was in high school. 

“Honestly, Snow White? I’ve met some crack whores with some kickass names, but that one takes the cake,” added Prince Charming. “But apparently I was wrong. She actually OD’d on acid, apple flavored acid. She was tripping almost as hard as this other jail bait chick I slept with once. Her name was Alice, and her body was a wonderland.” 
Snow White is not the first girl Prince Charming has tried to take advantage of while sleeping. Less than a month ago, he tried to take advantage of a sleepy beauty.
“She had a nice family. They put roses all around her bed in the hospital,” said Prince Charming. “They were too excited that she woke up from a coma to press charges on me. They actually thought it was quite romantic. I’m not sure how happy they would’ve been with me if they had known what I was gonna do if that girl hadn’t woke up.”
Prince Charming is also being charged with fraud. He once impersonated a frog in an attempt to sleep with a King’s underage daughter.
“Trust me,” said Prince Charming. “That girl is lucky she kissed me when she did. If we did anything when I wasn’t a frog, that girl would’ve left with a lot more than warts. We were totally about to bang, but then she said my name. And my name is the magic safe word. My real name is actually ‘Humpelstiltskin.’”
Humpelstiltskin is being held in jail without bond. Authorities are afraid he will try to target other girls such as Miley Cyrus if he is set free. Humpelstiltskin denied these accusations.
“Dude, I used to love watchin that ‘Party in the USA’ video. But then I saw some other videos, and Miley Cyrus, in HD. Trust, I’ve lost all my interest in that girl now.” 

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Breaking Ankle News from Sports World

Racing Horse Breaks Ankle
Owner Decides to Put Down Jockey

In a tragic training session early Thursday morning, a jockey in Kentucky broke his arm while whipping his horse in an effort to make the horse go faster. The jockey’s owner had no other choice. He solemnly loaded his shot gun and put down his most prized jockey with a tear in his eye. 

“It just hurts real bad,” said Robert Wheaton, the jockey’s owner. “I raised that jockey since he was a baby. He had such a natural instinct at hitting animals. I gave him his first whip when he was three, and he wasted no time running around the yard a hitting the dogs. I think a lot of it came from his pedigree. His brother, Mel Gibson, also knows a thing or two about slapping bitches.”

Jockey shown in actual size!
Wheaton has still been grieving. “I still wonder if I could’ve kept him on the farm. Obviously with a broken arm I wouldn’t be able to race him anymore, but I could’ve probably still found work for him. He would’ve been great at disciplining my kids for me. That way I wouldn’t have to send my kids mixed messages, but oh well. I guess it’s still probably for the best that I put him down. He was getting older everyday, and he also was starting to put on weight. He almost hit 120 lbs before be broke his arm. There’s no way I could’ve afforded to feed him anyways.”
Wheaton also lamented, “We had special bond. I know no one thinks that jockeys can understand human words, but sometimes I actually swore that I heard him talk.” Brown then went on to smile and reminisce, “I used to call him ‘slim shit’ ha. It was our special bond. I don’t think anyone else really got it, but we had some good times together. I remember personally collecting his semen once to store for future jockey breeding. I think he really enjoyed that. It was stuff like that that made us feel more like brothers and less like a jockey and his owner. You can’t recreate a bond like that.”
Wheaton is certain that he will eventually be able to move on. He actually just bought a child jockey from Chile off Craigslist, so he won’t have to spend much time waiting to see who his new jockey will be. Even with having to put his jockey down, Wheaton still thinks the biggest loss he faced was losing his horse. “After ‘slim shit’ broke his arm, he fell off the horse and the horse ran right into a barn,” added Wheaton. “That part sucks the most. That horse was killed as soon as the barn collapsed on him."

 The horse’s name was ‘Die Another Day’.