Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It's Finals Time in Tennessee

Studying Blew
So aren’t you glad I did it for you?

If you are wondering why The Weekend Aristocrat has not posted any posts lately, it’s because The Weekend Aristocrat has finals as well. And since it is always easier for people to give others advice rather than take it themselves, I decided to study for your finals rather than my own. Below are my summations of material for your classes.

Chemistry: If you take chemistry courses, you’re most likely majoring in something that will be very hard but will earn you lots of money in the future. So if the looming exams have got you down, at least know that women like money, so they will tolerate you one day. Surely that cheered you up a bit.
Here is a brief summary from the first chapter of a chemistry book I found: A covalent bond is formed by two atoms who share electrons. An ionic bond is form by one atom giving an electron to another atom. And an ironic bond is formed by a prowling cougar successfully attracting a pedophile as her mate…this ironic bond is strong because the cougar and the pedophile share an attraction to extremely younger people.

Economics:  The law of diminishing returns states that eventually the benefits of adding an input to something will start decreasing over time. So the smart economics student would not spend hours cramming for a smaller and smaller increase the grade of his final. He would buy me a beer instead. Trust me, I’m right.

I know she looks like she is studying, but this is just the side view of a girl on chat roulette.

Chinese: So you must be an anime freak. Well you’re a terrible anime freak, because anime is actually Japanese...Anyways, the best way to learn a foreign language is to completely immerse yourself in that language and its culture. This is easy for Chinese, just ride the elevators in Shelbourne for twenty minutes.

Biology: The tricky part of biology is memorizing the different parts of different cells. Plant cells have a tough outer layer known as the cell wall. Animal cells only have a single outer layer known as the cell membrane. And prison cells have walls surrounded by more walls topped off with barbwire. Plant cells also contain chlorophyll, while prison cells contain inmates watching Dr. Phil.

Pre Law: Pre Law is not actually a major. And if you are dumb enough to think it is, you are probably too dumb to pass the LSAT anyways.

Sing Language Class: Reading a book to yourself will not help you communicate with the deaf. Of course, that should go without saying.

Math: Excuse me miss, would you like to see the exponential growth of my natural log? If you got that, I feel sorry for you. I would use this sentence to make another joke about math, but I feel I should avoid going off on a tangent.

World History: America wins, the end.

No comments:

Post a Comment