Friday, October 29, 2010

Campus Ghost Stories

There are Ghosts on Campus
Like the One behind You Right Now

There are many scary things about being a student at the University of Tennessee. But I’ll spare you my lecture about asbestos in our buildings. Here are some ghosts stories instead.
One campus ghost is named Fanny. She was a student in the 1920’s, and was an aspiring actress. She was all set to go to Hollywood after playing a small role in a Knoxville film, but she died of tuberculosis before she could make the trip. Being a theater fan, she is said to haunt Cox Auditorium at AMB, and is sometimes seen during rehearsals. Perhaps Fanny is the reason I heard hundreds of girls screaming at AMB two Tuesdays ago. It could’ve also been lipsync, but surely nobody gets excited for something as pointless as lipsync. Or maybe they could’ve been, but I’ll just give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they saw Fanny.
A long time ago, mice infested the old business building. Being the cunning business students that they were, students brought in cats to eat all the mice. However, ghosts of the mice took their revenge by haunting the hallways. So the students killed all the cats so the ghosts of the cats would drive out the ghosts of the mice. It worked, and that’s why the new business building has no ghosts of any kind. I’m just gonna go ahead and assume all mice are gay since they’re afraid of pussies.
Shown here is the Ghost of Christmas Present. It is the only picture of a ghost that does not scare me.

There are apparently several Union soldiers that are buried near Perkins. Supposedly, you can sometimes see them near Perkins looking over maps. However, no Confederate souls are known to have risen. So if anything is rising in Knoxville again, it’s the Union. Sorry KA.
Another ghost that haunts campus is the ghost of Phillip Fulmer’s career. It is reported that this ghost haunts Mike Hamilton’s office daily. The ghost will often whisper is Mike’s ear about that “heckuva job” Mike did on hiring Lane Kiffin. As if that’s not enough, apparently there are some ghosts from Bruce Pearl’s old phone calls that are haunting Mike now too.
The most famous ghost on campus is Sophie of the former women’s residence Sophia Strong Hall. As legend holds, girls can sometimes see the ghost of Sophie in their mirrors brushing her hair. Not only that, but Sophie also appears when roommates used to quarrel or were up to inappropriate activities for young ladies. In other words, the ghost of Sophia Strong is the biggest cock block is the university’s history. Nothing makes men go limp as fast as seeing an old woman in a mirror. Now that’s scary.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The New Business School

The University of Tennessee Announces New Business Curriculum

In order to help students adapt to a changing business climate, the University of Tennessee College of Business Administration has decided to upgrade it’s curriculum to give the students the skills in highest demand. Many new classes have been created. To make room for new classes and avoid oxymoron class titles, all business ethics course have been eliminated.

CBA 281: Principles of Fraud
            This class will prepare students for the challenging but rewarding field of fraud. In the broadest sense, fraud is an intentional deception made for personal gain or to damage another individual. Particular class time will be devoted to the subfield of fraud known as forgery. There will be three tests throughout the semester. To receive credit, students must miss all three tests due to the death of a biological grandmother. Documentation for all of required deaths must be provided for passing grade.

CBA 213: Introduction to Embezzlement
            This class explores the field of embezzlement, the use of entrusted money to an individual by an outside party for purposes other than intended use. Practical experience emphasized by grading students on how much textbook money from parents is spent on alcohol. Class is good for four credit hours towards their business major, but only if students use those hours to fill requirements outside the College of Business Administration.

CBA 317: Insider Trading Techniques
            Insider trading is defined as trading public stock or securities with access to non-public information. The College of Business Administration will offer one Insider Trading lecture each semester with three sections. To receive credit, students must choose a section to enroll in. Students can trade sections with other students, but only one section will receive the credit hours for Insider Trading. This will give students practical experience in getting inside information while simultaneously perpetuating false but believable rumors.

CBA 341 International Business/Tax Evasion
            In conjunction with the international studies program, a study abroad program tailored exclusively to business students will be offered each summer. A six week course in tax evasion will be taught in the Cayman Islands. Curriculum will include setting up new UT AllStar account and tuition payment plans. In addition, students are expected to complete much extra-credit work hours to receive credit for class. Any student who actually completes all extra credit hours will be given a cookie but will also fail the course. Total cost for program will include travel expenses, room and board, and tuition. To make trip more affordable, we suggest waiting until you finish the course on the islands to pay your expenses.

CBA 439: Theory of Money Laundering
            This class will teach business students simple accounting techniques to increase income. Each student will be given a scholarship by the College of Business Administration. However, there will be no money in the account. Students must find their own investors to fill their scholarship accounts with a certain amount of money by the end of the semester. We suggest partnering with local used-car dealerships. To encourage maximum learning and retention, students’ final grades will be indexed against other students. This will encourage students to launder as much money as they can to fill their scholarship accounts. Students who receive A’s will be allowed to keep their accounts open beyond completion of the course.

CBA 499: Principles of Insurance Companies / Ponzi Schemes
            This class is designed for College of Business Administration students with strong interests in starting insurance companies. Strong emphasis will be given to the methods of Charles Ponzi, a business pioneer who developed an investment operation that pays returns to separate investors from their own money or money paid by subsequent investors. Special attention will be paid to the largest Ponzi scheme of all time: Social Security. To receive credit, students must have 500 points in course. No points will be given by instructors, students are expected to loan points from classes of friends to use in BUS 499. This will be easier if friends are gullible. We suggest using freshmen.

CBA 501: Counterfeiting / Capstone Class       
            This is the culmination class of the new business curriculum. In it, students must face a panel of professors who will accuse students of multiple violations of the student code of ethics. In order to be eligible for graduations, students must not be found guilty of any charges. If cleared, students can apply for a College of Business Administration diploma. However, no diplomas will be awarded. It is up to the students to use their business knowledge in conjunction with the counterfeiting class curriculum to provide their own official College of Business diploma by graduation day.

Students who complete this new curriculum will be well prepared for the ever changing business climate. In case students face trouble using these tactics in their career, the University has partnered with the state correctional department to offer an online MBA available at any light to medium-security boarding school for adults.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Education: The World's Oldest Opportunity

Girls Take Night Jobs as Librarians to Pay for Stripper School

As fall semester classes continue across college campuses nationwide, some students are finding less time to study and more time to work. Tragically, many young girls in school are forced to take up jobs that appeal to a small but twisted portion of the population that likes to read. Many female students have taken night jobs as librarians to offset the costs of stripper school tuition.  

Although being a stripper is one of the best occupations in the country as far as job security, getting a good stripping education is becoming increasingly more expensive. And tragically, tailoring to the population that actually still reads is the fastest way for girls to earn money.

Yeah you book me all night so literate.

While taking a job as a librarian is not new, the numbers of applications have risen sharply. One girl, who wished not to be named, had this to say on her new profession, "While obviously being a librarian isn’t my first choice as job, it’s the best way for me to make money. I get paid fairly well…I mean, the only guys that actually come to libraries are really smart and have a lot of money, but they are also losers who’ll give away anything for a pretty girl who shows them where a book is.” 

Other girls also commented on how awkward it is to see a guy around campus that they’ve seen visiting the libraries where they work. “Guys who visit libraries are such creeps,” said another young librarian. “And it sucks how they think we’re friends when they see me on campus. Our relationships stop at the book theft detectors at the library entrance.” 

Another librarian lamented, “There is nothing attractive about a guy throwing books and ‘making it hail’. I swear if the money wasn’t good I would find another way to pay for my pole dancing classes.”

Many girls working at libraries have found it difficult to tell their parents, and many simply say nothing and hope their parents will not find out. 

“I just told my parents that I have an office internship,” remarked one anonymous librarian. “And they even thought that was terrible, so I told them that I was having an affair with my boss. That settled their nerves. At least now they think I’m actually getting real world experience on using my body to get ahead in life.” 

Others have been honest with their parents.  One father had this to say about his daughter, "I told her I didn’t agree with her working at a library. I told her there must be another way. No one should have to satisfy a fetish like reading. It’s despicable. And to anyone out there who is reading my views right now, please help to spread my message that no girl belongs working at a library. After that, you can go to hell for reading this blog article.”

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Writer's Block

At Least my Cock’s Still in the Clear

Writers block is a serious condition that affects everyone who has to write a paper, article, or deposition. Currently, I’m struggling with all three so I thought I’d use my blog this week to share some advice on how to put together a group of words to form complete sentences, and then turn those sentences into paragraphs. 

And a good first tip I’ll show you about paragraphs is to always hit return and tab to start a new one, like this…
Now I have a decent grasp of the language arts, but I wasn’t always that way. I can remember multiple times when I was kicked out of church as a child for the use of bad language. I never cussed, but my Sunday school teacher was an English teacher, and my nouns often didn’t agree with my verbs when I spoke. Even today, I still don’t knows why the hell I used to did that.
The hardest part of writing a paper is coming up with an idea, so this is where bullshitting comes in real handy. College English classes are notorious for their use of bullshit. It’s cool though, most college English teachers won’t care. After all, they’d be hypocrites for calling you out on your B.S. when they clearly have a B.S. job to begin with. Honestly, colleges have English teachers? If people still need help reading and writing by now, they should’ve never have gotten into college in the first place. But then again, I do go to a public school…in Tennessee.
This bears repeating. Again, I'm just thankful that at least my cock is still in the clear.

Now that you got your idea, it’s time to actually get some writing done. This is where things get tricky. Surprisingly, the people who understand how this process works are business majors. Now that you got an idea, just pay someone else to do it for you while you still get the credit. Immigrant laborers will jump at the chance to write your paper. Just a word of advice here, I wouldn’t go to Home Depot to pick up your writers, but there is plenty of extra help on the corners of every Sylvan Learning center nationwide. Pay a foreigner to do it, it’s the American way.
As far as the writing goes, make sure whoever writes your paper throws in a few similes or metaphors. Papers are a game, and sometimes you gotta throw in some fancy plays on words to confuse your competition. Also, use parenthesis when you need to take some space (I know this sounds mundane, but writing sentences in parenthesis is an easy way to up your word count without having to make a point).
So I hope this helps you with your writing. Actually, I don’t really care, I just bullshitted this whole thing.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Lesson of the Day: White and Wrong

White American Culture Reservations Established
And not just at NASCAR Tracks

A group of concerned Americans have successfully set up a reservation for white people to protect their culture from Hispanic settlers. The idea for white people reservations was inspired by the former existence of Native American reservations. In fact, Congress approved the plan to turn all former Native American Reservations into White American Reservations.
“We decided that the best way to implement this plan to protect white culture was to take land of Native Americans to use it,” said the anonymous reservation lobbyist. “And honestly, what’s more white than taking land away from natives?”

Are you going to read this article about white people, or is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?

Other white reservations have been established in conjunction with the former Native American reservations. As of now, a two-mile white culture perimeter has been established around every private golf course. However, this ruling has not resulted in anyone being forced to sell their land. This is because no one but white people live within two miles of a private golf course.
Multiple changes have occurred in converted reservations. All casinos have been demolished, and stock exchanges are currently in construction to replace them. “We didn’t want to attract the low-lives who throw their money away on slots and craps,” said white reservation resident Robert Standifer. “So instead we’re building stock markets. Of course people will still throw money away, but at least they’ll wear a suit and tie while they do it. That’s the white people way.” Standifer also stated that former Native American horse stables will be converted into horse racing tracks for the same reason.
The reservations have not been without their problems, however. Drug use and addiction has taken a strong hold on many reservations, and concerned residents are doing whatever they can to curb drug use and fight white stereotypes. Prozac, the drug of choice on white reservations, has swept through both socio-economic levels on the white reservations: upper class, and upper-middle class.
Also, many white mothers are concerned with how the media glamorizes white collar crime to their suburban youth in movies such as “Office Space” and “Paycheck.”
“Honestly I am becoming worried about the future of our white children’s’ work ethics,” lamented one white mother. “I don’t know of a single white kid anymore who is willing to put in the hard work at the bottom of the crime chain before moving on up. They think selling weed on the street is beneath their dignity, but they’re actually missing out on real opportunities.”
In order to combat white stereotypes as well as educate others about white culture, many white reservations have started white culture history museums. One exhibit includes the traditional way of how white people create music. The exhibit shows a white teen plugging his iPod into speakers while others around him shy away from the dance floor due to their lack of rhythm.
“We really feel like these museums show who we are,” added Standifer. “Our favorite part about our museums is the giant walls we put around them to make sure no one but white people can come in except through the gate. And the whitest part about it is, all the museums and walls were built with Mexican labor.”

Friday, October 1, 2010

TVC Wants YOU to Read this Blog Post

UT’s Got Talent
And Most of it Writes for this Blog

This October, the University of Tennessee is going to experience something that it never has before. Unfortunately, it will not be having an adequate number of parking spaces. Actually, TVC (the student television station that no one other than the people who work there know about) is hosting a campus wide talent show. 

It’s called UT’s Got Talent. Now I know what you’re thinking. If UT has talent, then why haven’t we seen it on the football field so far? However, this might actually be the most entertaining show to ever air on TVC. I wouldn’t be surprised if tens of viewers watch the first episode.
The talented Susan Boyle: a lovely voice for television talent shows, and an even lovelier face for radio.

Now here’s how it’s gonna work. Starting October 11, contestants will perform their talents in the TVC studio. Then viewers will vote to determine which contestants will advance after the shows air. There are also three judges, but since only the students’ votes count, I’m not really sure why the judges are there. Nevertheless, I have taken time to create three simple steps to win the competition.

Step one: Pander to the voters. Like I said before, there are judges, but they don’t really matter so efforts to sleep with them are pointless. This makes your job harder. Given the fact that TVC airs on campus channel 64, I suggest pandering to campus residents, which will be mostly freshmen. So if you have a talent that pertains to the dormitory dwellers, your chances of getting votes will be higher. As such, I suggest displaying talents of making bongs out of simple house-hold items each freshman is sure to have in his/her room. Also, not all people who live in dorms are freshmen. So throw in a talent for the upperclassmen R.A.s as well, such as the talent of how to make friends and not suck.

Step two: Intimidate the competition. Life is all about intimidation. Why do you think cops are such ass holes all the time? It’s because they know if they make you afraid, you won’t try to get out of trouble. Unfortunately, this happens all too often. But you can use this same philosophy to your advantage. The key factor is confidence, and to quote George Costanza, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.” Here’s an example of confident intimidation: Honestly, none of you should even bother auditioning for this show because my rendition of The Vagina Monologues will bring a tear to your eye and a kick to your balls. Seriously, it’s that good.

Step three: Show some ass. Do you think that talent is the only actual thing that determines peoples’ success? If that were so, then Sarah Palin would’ve never gotten the VP nomination in 2008. Palin understood that sometimes you just gotta show some ass to get some attention, a lesson which she successfully passed down to her daughter.
P.S. Here's the link to the competition's facebook page. I suggest reading this soon if you plan to enter.