Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It's Finals Time in Tennessee

Studying Blew
So aren’t you glad I did it for you?

If you are wondering why The Weekend Aristocrat has not posted any posts lately, it’s because The Weekend Aristocrat has finals as well. And since it is always easier for people to give others advice rather than take it themselves, I decided to study for your finals rather than my own. Below are my summations of material for your classes.

Chemistry: If you take chemistry courses, you’re most likely majoring in something that will be very hard but will earn you lots of money in the future. So if the looming exams have got you down, at least know that women like money, so they will tolerate you one day. Surely that cheered you up a bit.
Here is a brief summary from the first chapter of a chemistry book I found: A covalent bond is formed by two atoms who share electrons. An ionic bond is form by one atom giving an electron to another atom. And an ironic bond is formed by a prowling cougar successfully attracting a pedophile as her mate…this ironic bond is strong because the cougar and the pedophile share an attraction to extremely younger people.

Economics:  The law of diminishing returns states that eventually the benefits of adding an input to something will start decreasing over time. So the smart economics student would not spend hours cramming for a smaller and smaller increase the grade of his final. He would buy me a beer instead. Trust me, I’m right.

I know she looks like she is studying, but this is just the side view of a girl on chat roulette.

Chinese: So you must be an anime freak. Well you’re a terrible anime freak, because anime is actually Japanese...Anyways, the best way to learn a foreign language is to completely immerse yourself in that language and its culture. This is easy for Chinese, just ride the elevators in Shelbourne for twenty minutes.

Biology: The tricky part of biology is memorizing the different parts of different cells. Plant cells have a tough outer layer known as the cell wall. Animal cells only have a single outer layer known as the cell membrane. And prison cells have walls surrounded by more walls topped off with barbwire. Plant cells also contain chlorophyll, while prison cells contain inmates watching Dr. Phil.

Pre Law: Pre Law is not actually a major. And if you are dumb enough to think it is, you are probably too dumb to pass the LSAT anyways.

Sing Language Class: Reading a book to yourself will not help you communicate with the deaf. Of course, that should go without saying.

Math: Excuse me miss, would you like to see the exponential growth of my natural log? If you got that, I feel sorry for you. I would use this sentence to make another joke about math, but I feel I should avoid going off on a tangent.

World History: America wins, the end.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Self Discovery

When I Think about Me, I Interview Myself

It has come to The Weekend Aristocrats’s attention that while we have many loyal readers, our fans do not know much about us. After further thought, many of us here realized that we really don’t know much about ourselves either. In an attempt to gain some self-understanding while simultaneously boosting his own ego and filling up blog space, one writer has volunteered to get the scoop on the staff, starting with himself.  In reality, this is because The Weekend Aristocrat only has one writer. Let's just call him Dick. Below is the transcript of when Dick sat down to ask and answer a few questions.

Dick (Interviewer): First of all, thanks for sitting down with myself. I have done everything in my power to make this experience as comfortable for myself as possible. I’m sure you’ll appreciate that.

Dick: I do appreciate it, especially this make-shift recliner and the Colt 45 served in a wine glass. Classy.

Dick (Interviewer): Well let’s just get strait to it, Dick. Besides the fact that you haven’t written in the 1st person in a while, why did you agree to do this interview?

Dick: Well I guess mostly because there are just so many questions I have about myself, but I don’t have any answers. I thought if I could formally sit down with myself, I might learn a thing or two. For instance, let’s suppose there is a really masculine lesbian woman, and a really feminine gay man. If the woman was attracted to the man’s femininity, and visa versa, could they, like, be together? And if they could, would they still be gay or strait? I just have many thoughts like that that I want explained. That, and I was out of blog ideas this week.

This is the international symbol for internal peace and internal safety. Unfortunately, the NFL does not recognize the copyright of the safety signal.

Dick (Interviewer): Hmm…That is a deep thought. I’d want myself to answer that riddle too. You said you were out of blog ideas. Is this a common situation for you?

Dick: Well, sometimes it can be common. It is especially hard to think of something to write about when there is no one or nothing to make fun of.

Dick (Interviewer): So your main motivation for writing then is just to be a dick isn't it? I bet if you had no one to make of you’d have no reason to live would you? Honestly Dick, I think your blog sucks.

Dick: Well, I am my own worst critic so I can see why you’d say that.

Dick (Interviewer): So you’re your own worst critic? Given the size of your ego, I find that quite surprising.

Dick: Sometimes I even surprise myself.

Dick (Interviewer): Have you been guiding the questions and answers of this entire interview just to set up that last joke?

Dick: What do you think?

Dick (Interviewer): (Sigh) Pathetic.

Dick: I know.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Stalking in Memphis

While The Weekend Aristocrat is based in Knoxville, recent public input has called for expanding state coverage. In accordance, we decided to send a reporter to the city of Memphis. Below are his observations. More photos will come as soon as they are available.

This is just a badass pic. This was taken from the roof of the Peabody Hotel. It's a good thing that roof access is not restricted to hotel tenants, cause there is no way we'd ever have the dough to spring for a room at the Peabody. Sure, we are aristocrats, but only on weekends. And this pic was taken on Monday.

The Hernando de Soto bridge is brought to you by McDonald's. ¡me encanta!

This is Sun Studio where Elvis recorded his first record. As you can see, an eclipse is starting to form as a shadow extends from the building's right wall. Our reporter was fortunate enough to visit the studio during one of the few times of year that the eclipse casts a shadow over Moon Studio. Moon Studio is just out of sight, and is exactly 1/4 the size of Earth Studio. 

I know this looks out of focus, but this is actually a high definition picture of what Beale Street looks like through the eyes of someone who is absolutely hammered.

This is either a limo or a hearse for an extremely tall (and stylish) person. I'm betting on the latter. 

The road to salvation...or maybe just the road to Graceland. Same difference right?

This is one of the many signs in Graceland warning visitors not to use flash photography inside the house. In order to document the rules, our reporter turned his flash on while capturing this image. Muy ironĂ­a.

Judging by this arrangement in one of the many gift shops at Graceland, our reporter is guessing Elvis played a lot of liquor pong.

This pic was taken off the back balcony of the University of Memphis Cecil C Humphreys School of Law. Our reporter would like to say he couldn't resist capturing this moment of local life. He would also like to apologize to his mother for any shame she may feel for realizing that this is the stuff her son posts online.

University of Memphis Law School Class of 1914. Ten graduates, ten white guys. Yay for diversity.

The Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium is an amazing venue in which to watch a college football game, especially if you're an opposing fan. We say this because unlike most college stadiums our reporter has visited, you can buy beer here and the away team is more likely to win.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Giving Back

Elementary School Students Spend Time Volunteering
By Teaching Professional Athletes How to Read

In a heartwarming display of generosity, 12 students from an elementary school in Washington D.C. met yesterday with various professional athletes. After some time of just joking around with the athletes, the elementary school students began hours of community service by teaching the athletes how to read.
“I have looked at the pictures from The Little Engine that Could all my life,” said Chad Ocho Cinco, but having someone read it to me, it really made it come alive.”
The students then began working with the athletes individually. By the end of the day, most of the athletes were reading their first complete sentences. No one made more improvement than Vince Young. Young successfully read multiple passages from The Cat in the Hat.
“The feeling was so amazing. I can actually read now,” said Young. “It turns out, the team I play for in Tennessee are called the Titans. I always wondered why everyone said that name so much, but I was never able to read the word before. I guess now I can actually focus on learning to read defenses.”
Other athletes had similar epiphanies. “It turns out I made a mistake when I changed my name,” said Chad Ochocinco. “I thought my name would actually be the numer 85. I just wanted to have a name that I could read. I always wondered why I couldn’t read my new last name.”

I'm the little engine that can! Who dey!

Tiger Woods was also amazed at how much reading can help someone learn. “I actually read my contract for the first time,” said Woods. “Damn, if I had known that my behavior could allow sponsors to pull out of my contract, I woulda pulled outta my hoes a lot sooner ya know what I'm sayin, mane?”
New found knowledge like this also made an impression on Plaxico Burress. “I was never able to read the signs that said no guns in bars,” said Burress. “I mean that, wouldn’t have made a difference, but if I had only know that S-A-F-E-T-Y on my gun spells “safety,” things would have turned out a lot different.”
Michael Phelps admitted that being able to read earlier would’ve made things turn out differently. “I still woulda smoked the hell out of that bong,” said Phelps, “but at least I would’ve been able to read the cue cards when I hosted SNL. Did anyone watch me on there? Seriously, I sucked.”

Students did not limit their philanthropy to athletes. One student took time to teach a newly free Lil Wayne to read. “Finally, I can actually write down my lyrics before I say them,” said Wayne. “But it does suck that most words and phrases I use aren’t in a dictionary. How and I supposed to write out my signature phrase cocksuckinballinefoksnciasudolfen?”
Third grader Alex Simpson said helping athletes to read changed his life. “I feel that they taught me more than I taught them,” said Simpson. “Just kidding,” laughed Simpson. “They couldn’t teach anybody anything…those were some dumbass motherfuckers.”

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Voices of Knoxville

Tuesday, Nov. 2, 2010 was an important day for our state and nation. Tennessee elected Bill Haslam as it's new governor, and college kids everywhere were broken hearted after Prop 19 failed in California. However, since the wide majority of college students didn't vote even if they were registered, The Weekend Aristocrat has decided to give University of Tennessee students in Knoxville a voice anyway. And since Prop 19 is in the news, we decided to ask them about today's most pressing issue: drugs. Below are their opinions.

So, are you into drugs?

"Honestly, no. But I am into fitting in and social acceptance. So in that case, give me some of those drugs!"

"It depends. Does Plan B count? 'Cause that's the only pill I'm addicted to."

"Sure, but only if I don't have to pay."

Silly rabbit, drugs are for kids! - The Weekend Aristocrat