Thursday, September 30, 2010

Fairy Dust Hits the Fan

'Prince Charming' Sexually Assaulting Underage Comatose Patients
And Other Splendid Fairy Tales

A man going by the name of Price Charming was arrested last week after kissing an underage girl who was in a coma. After the prince kissed the girl, the girl suddenly woke up and then yelled for help when she saw the older man on top of her. Price Charming soon apologized for his actions.
“Seriously, I did not mean for things to happen like this,” said Prince Charming. “Sure, whenever I see an underage girl sleeping, my first instinct is to always kiss them. But honestly, what man wouldn’t? I really don’t see the big deal. Hey is that a camera? Get that outta here. Nobody wants to see Prince Charming on dateline.”
The girl in question is named Snow White. When Prince Charming heard of Snow White, he became under the impression that she was in a coma after ODing on coke.
Fairy tale weddings often include frogs, ogres and other ugly creatures. Shown here is a pic of your mom when she was in high school. 

“Honestly, Snow White? I’ve met some crack whores with some kickass names, but that one takes the cake,” added Prince Charming. “But apparently I was wrong. She actually OD’d on acid, apple flavored acid. She was tripping almost as hard as this other jail bait chick I slept with once. Her name was Alice, and her body was a wonderland.” 
Snow White is not the first girl Prince Charming has tried to take advantage of while sleeping. Less than a month ago, he tried to take advantage of a sleepy beauty.
“She had a nice family. They put roses all around her bed in the hospital,” said Prince Charming. “They were too excited that she woke up from a coma to press charges on me. They actually thought it was quite romantic. I’m not sure how happy they would’ve been with me if they had known what I was gonna do if that girl hadn’t woke up.”
Prince Charming is also being charged with fraud. He once impersonated a frog in an attempt to sleep with a King’s underage daughter.
“Trust me,” said Prince Charming. “That girl is lucky she kissed me when she did. If we did anything when I wasn’t a frog, that girl would’ve left with a lot more than warts. We were totally about to bang, but then she said my name. And my name is the magic safe word. My real name is actually ‘Humpelstiltskin.’”
Humpelstiltskin is being held in jail without bond. Authorities are afraid he will try to target other girls such as Miley Cyrus if he is set free. Humpelstiltskin denied these accusations.
“Dude, I used to love watchin that ‘Party in the USA’ video. But then I saw some other videos, and Miley Cyrus, in HD. Trust, I’ve lost all my interest in that girl now.” 

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Breaking Ankle News from Sports World

Racing Horse Breaks Ankle
Owner Decides to Put Down Jockey

In a tragic training session early Thursday morning, a jockey in Kentucky broke his arm while whipping his horse in an effort to make the horse go faster. The jockey’s owner had no other choice. He solemnly loaded his shot gun and put down his most prized jockey with a tear in his eye. 

“It just hurts real bad,” said Robert Wheaton, the jockey’s owner. “I raised that jockey since he was a baby. He had such a natural instinct at hitting animals. I gave him his first whip when he was three, and he wasted no time running around the yard a hitting the dogs. I think a lot of it came from his pedigree. His brother, Mel Gibson, also knows a thing or two about slapping bitches.”

Jockey shown in actual size!
Wheaton has still been grieving. “I still wonder if I could’ve kept him on the farm. Obviously with a broken arm I wouldn’t be able to race him anymore, but I could’ve probably still found work for him. He would’ve been great at disciplining my kids for me. That way I wouldn’t have to send my kids mixed messages, but oh well. I guess it’s still probably for the best that I put him down. He was getting older everyday, and he also was starting to put on weight. He almost hit 120 lbs before be broke his arm. There’s no way I could’ve afforded to feed him anyways.”
Wheaton also lamented, “We had special bond. I know no one thinks that jockeys can understand human words, but sometimes I actually swore that I heard him talk.” Brown then went on to smile and reminisce, “I used to call him ‘slim shit’ ha. It was our special bond. I don’t think anyone else really got it, but we had some good times together. I remember personally collecting his semen once to store for future jockey breeding. I think he really enjoyed that. It was stuff like that that made us feel more like brothers and less like a jockey and his owner. You can’t recreate a bond like that.”
Wheaton is certain that he will eventually be able to move on. He actually just bought a child jockey from Chile off Craigslist, so he won’t have to spend much time waiting to see who his new jockey will be. Even with having to put his jockey down, Wheaton still thinks the biggest loss he faced was losing his horse. “After ‘slim shit’ broke his arm, he fell off the horse and the horse ran right into a barn,” added Wheaton. “That part sucks the most. That horse was killed as soon as the barn collapsed on him."

 The horse’s name was ‘Die Another Day’.