Saturday, October 23, 2010

The New Business School

The University of Tennessee Announces New Business Curriculum

In order to help students adapt to a changing business climate, the University of Tennessee College of Business Administration has decided to upgrade it’s curriculum to give the students the skills in highest demand. Many new classes have been created. To make room for new classes and avoid oxymoron class titles, all business ethics course have been eliminated.

CBA 281: Principles of Fraud
            This class will prepare students for the challenging but rewarding field of fraud. In the broadest sense, fraud is an intentional deception made for personal gain or to damage another individual. Particular class time will be devoted to the subfield of fraud known as forgery. There will be three tests throughout the semester. To receive credit, students must miss all three tests due to the death of a biological grandmother. Documentation for all of required deaths must be provided for passing grade.

CBA 213: Introduction to Embezzlement
            This class explores the field of embezzlement, the use of entrusted money to an individual by an outside party for purposes other than intended use. Practical experience emphasized by grading students on how much textbook money from parents is spent on alcohol. Class is good for four credit hours towards their business major, but only if students use those hours to fill requirements outside the College of Business Administration.

CBA 317: Insider Trading Techniques
            Insider trading is defined as trading public stock or securities with access to non-public information. The College of Business Administration will offer one Insider Trading lecture each semester with three sections. To receive credit, students must choose a section to enroll in. Students can trade sections with other students, but only one section will receive the credit hours for Insider Trading. This will give students practical experience in getting inside information while simultaneously perpetuating false but believable rumors.

CBA 341 International Business/Tax Evasion
            In conjunction with the international studies program, a study abroad program tailored exclusively to business students will be offered each summer. A six week course in tax evasion will be taught in the Cayman Islands. Curriculum will include setting up new UT AllStar account and tuition payment plans. In addition, students are expected to complete much extra-credit work hours to receive credit for class. Any student who actually completes all extra credit hours will be given a cookie but will also fail the course. Total cost for program will include travel expenses, room and board, and tuition. To make trip more affordable, we suggest waiting until you finish the course on the islands to pay your expenses.

CBA 439: Theory of Money Laundering
            This class will teach business students simple accounting techniques to increase income. Each student will be given a scholarship by the College of Business Administration. However, there will be no money in the account. Students must find their own investors to fill their scholarship accounts with a certain amount of money by the end of the semester. We suggest partnering with local used-car dealerships. To encourage maximum learning and retention, students’ final grades will be indexed against other students. This will encourage students to launder as much money as they can to fill their scholarship accounts. Students who receive A’s will be allowed to keep their accounts open beyond completion of the course.

CBA 499: Principles of Insurance Companies / Ponzi Schemes
            This class is designed for College of Business Administration students with strong interests in starting insurance companies. Strong emphasis will be given to the methods of Charles Ponzi, a business pioneer who developed an investment operation that pays returns to separate investors from their own money or money paid by subsequent investors. Special attention will be paid to the largest Ponzi scheme of all time: Social Security. To receive credit, students must have 500 points in course. No points will be given by instructors, students are expected to loan points from classes of friends to use in BUS 499. This will be easier if friends are gullible. We suggest using freshmen.

CBA 501: Counterfeiting / Capstone Class       
            This is the culmination class of the new business curriculum. In it, students must face a panel of professors who will accuse students of multiple violations of the student code of ethics. In order to be eligible for graduations, students must not be found guilty of any charges. If cleared, students can apply for a College of Business Administration diploma. However, no diplomas will be awarded. It is up to the students to use their business knowledge in conjunction with the counterfeiting class curriculum to provide their own official College of Business diploma by graduation day.

Students who complete this new curriculum will be well prepared for the ever changing business climate. In case students face trouble using these tactics in their career, the University has partnered with the state correctional department to offer an online MBA available at any light to medium-security boarding school for adults.

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