Giving Back

Elementary School Students Spend Time Volunteering

By Teaching Professional Athletes How to Read

In a heartwarming display of generosity, 12 students from an elementary school in Washington D.C. met yesterday with various professional athletes. After some time of just joking around with the athletes, the elementary school students began hours of community service by teaching the athletes how to read.

            

“I have looked at the pictures from The Little Engine that Could all my life,” said Chad Ocho Cinco, but having someone read it to me, it really made it come alive.”

            

The students then began working with the athletes individually. By the end of the day, most of the athletes were reading their first complete sentences. No one made more improvement than Vince Young. Young successfully read multiple passages from The Cat in the Hat.

            

“The feeling was so amazing. I can actually read now,” said Young. “It turns out, the team I play for in Tennessee are called the Titans. I always wondered why everyone said that name so much, but I was never able to read the word before. I guess now I can actually focus on learning to read defenses.”

            

Other athletes had similar epiphanies. “It turns out I made a mistake when I changed my name,” said Chad Ochocinco. “I thought my name would actually be the numer 85. I just wanted to have a name that I could read. I always wondered why I couldn’t read my new last name.”

I'm the little engine that can! Who dey!

Tiger Woods was also amazed at how much reading can help someone learn. “I actually read my contract for the first time,” said Woods. “Damn, if I had known that my behavior could allow sponsors to pull out of my contract, I woulda pulled outta my hoes a lot sooner ya know what I'm sayin, mane?”

            

New found knowledge like this also made an impression on Plaxico Burress. “I was never able to read the signs that said no guns in bars,” said Burress. “I mean that, wouldn’t have made a difference, but if I had only know that S-A-F-E-T-Y on my gun spells “safety,” things would have turned out a lot different.”

            

Michael Phelps admitted that being able to read earlier would’ve made things turn out differently. “I still woulda smoked the hell out of that bong,” said Phelps, “but at least I would’ve been able to read the cue cards when I hosted SNL. Did anyone watch me on there? Seriously, I sucked.”

Students did not limit their philanthropy to athletes. One student took time to teach a newly free Lil Wayne to read. “Finally, I can actually write down my lyrics before I say them,” said Wayne. “But it does suck that most words and phrases I use aren’t in a dictionary. How and I supposed to write out my signature phrase cocksuckinballinefoksnciasudolfen?”

            

Third grader Alex Simpson said helping athletes to read changed his life. “I feel that they taught me more than I taught them,” said Simpson. “Just kidding,” laughed Simpson. “They couldn’t teach anybody anything…those were some dumbass motherfuckers.”